im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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