i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
