he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
