When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
