I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
