Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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