He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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