saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
