The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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