from now on my penis is your penis
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
