Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
