i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my being single is dangerous.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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