I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Are we still banned from the library?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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