You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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