There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
