I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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