he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
