if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
