Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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