and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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