and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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