I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
