Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
