At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
