she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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