i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
