Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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