Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
