At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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