Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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