Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
