Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
