I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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