I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
