Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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