kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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