i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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