I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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