hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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