I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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