wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
