Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
