I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
