i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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