Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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