We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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