Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
