hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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