The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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