just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
