Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
